Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
