Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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