Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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