his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
