my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
