Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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