Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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