Soap is not a condiment
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
