just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Alive.
So much puke
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
