I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
