If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
