We need to rekindle our bromance
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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