Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
