Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
