So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
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