do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
