Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
