After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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