I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
