I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
