so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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