Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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