Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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