He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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