Please, let me fuck your mom
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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