I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
