the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
