just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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