I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize