ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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