How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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