Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i dont even know how to be here
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
