i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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