The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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