Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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