i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize