my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
