Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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