you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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