I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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