I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
