My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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