When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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