Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
