the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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