nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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