Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
