Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And my parents said I crawled through the house
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
