my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
