I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize