Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just want to make out with him forever
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
