Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
