I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
