a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
