I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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