I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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