I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
